January 31, 2004
Life has given me exactly what I needed
It is a moving experience when someone you barely know can tell you something profound about yourself that you have spent most of your life discovering.
My plane touched down in Mumbai (formerly Bombay) on Tuesday morning 1/26 at 12:20am (yes a.m.). After collecting my bags and making my way through customs I exited the gate and was welcomed by a sign that read my name in bold hand-printed letters. The smiling man holding the sign was Leo, the driver who was going to "take me safely to Pune" - which he did. I have been in Pune ever since, specifically Koregoan Park, near the Osho Ashram, a magnet for many international travelers.
This place has been a strange and challenging delight as it effortlessly embodies the contrasting diversity of India (and really the world): beauty and suffering, rich and poor, spirituality and capitalism, traditional and modern, East and West. With so much stimuli for all of the sense, I have been a little nutty here as I keep trying to understand it all. I have finally come to realize, thanks to the help of some of the wonderful people I have met that these things, as so many others I am to encounter in the coming months, can simply be explained with, "This is India" (Kev, that is for you!!!).
I was very anxious to jump into everything here: seeing sites, participating in meditative courses, reading books written by spiritual gurus, wearing the beautiful clothing and jewelry, taking photographs, making new friends, figuring out where I am going to next. . . that I found myself physically and emotionally strained by my second day.
Not feeling I could do much of anything I resolved to spend the next several days relaxing and allowing myself to adjust to my new environment (not just India but my life as a traveler). As is always the case, once I surrendered to the hand that life had dealt me, this seemingly sad space became one of magic and delight.
One by one, angels and gifts started dropping right in front of me, starting with Sandrine from France who took on the role of mother/care taker/sister/and devoted friend during my first few days. Next I met Tarika, a woman from Israel who has allowed me to live in her room (a beautiful, inviting and peaceful place) for the last week while she went to the beaches of Goa. I then had the pleasure of meeting David from San Francisco, who cracked open my shell of seeming like I had it all together, which has made me open and available to the generosity of so many people. Then I hooked up with Seble of Eritrea and Ameen from India, my two playmates who have made me a part of their lives as if we have been friends forever. Next there was Paulo from Italy, who touched my heart with his warm hands brilliant eyes and bright smile, all without being able to speak English. Kevin from Ohio (a seemingly old friend as we have been e-mailing for several weeks now thanks to an introduction from Bobbi), came all the way to Pune to welcome me to India in person, and has inspired me with stories of his adventures here and in Nepal. There are so many others to mention including Andrea, Yvette, Shashi, Mirjam, Mahesh, Dr. Girish, Luk, Kathleen, Fabrizio. . . that I could spend the rest of my voyage siting here writing about them, but I am sure they all know who they are even without the mention of their name.
One last angel that warrants mention is this very gentle, quite and deep Croatian man named Kruno who has been deeply caressing my soul over the last several days. I met Kruno earlier this week when he offered me a free massage as he is studying rebalancing massage, an incredibly penetrating type of therapy that involves deep breathing and removal of the emotional toxins and tension we hold in various parts of our body, and needs to practice. Every day I visit with Kruno for a massage -- these sessions have been incredibly profound experiences for me.
Yesterday, I was wandering around Koregoan Park in a sort of sad daze, trying to figure out where to go to from here. I feel I have regained my strength to take the next step of my journey and am anxious to experience a part of India that is not swarming with western tourists. Yet I have been tortured over the last several days trying to decide where to go. Shall I go to the beaches in Goa, visit the serenity of Hampi, do a 10-day Vipasana meditation retreat, engage in a program at the Spiritual University in Mt. Abu, visit the parents of a new friend in Mumbai where I have been promised to be spoiled rotten? I know it is ridiculous to have these kind of choices be like torture but there is more behind the suffering than just choosing a destination.
As much as I hate to admit it I am scared of the journey ahead. This is partly due to the fact that I do not have a clue about how to chart a course that is not about achieving a goal. It is very different and unfamiliar for me to make choices based on my heart and instinct rather than a strategic plan. I am also a bit intimidated by the transportation systems here, primarily because I am yet to use it. More importantly I am scared of the unfamiliarity of engaging in the kind of deep introspective emotional and spiritual work that this voyage has in store.
Just before my massage session with Kruno yesterday, he said, "I have noticed something about you that I would like to share. . . you are someone who has many talents and interests and thus can make wonderful things happen in the world. . . but you know, when you are so busy doing so many things you never allow yourself to experience yourself deeply. . . people like you often live this way as you are so afraid of experiencing pain and fear. . . I can not help you decide where to go next from Pune as you need to make that decision yourself, but I will advise you to trust your instincts and go some place where you can be still, be quiet and go deep. . . There is no right place for this as what you are looking for you will find in you."
Ever since I hurt my back a few years back I have been engaged in an introspective process to uncover the sources of suffering in my life. It has been a long, challenging and rewarding course that is far from over. However, during this time I have come to realize how hard I have worked to avoid pain and fear. With this insight I have taken many steps to confront many sources of pain and fear in my relationships with family, friends, lovers, and life choices. This trip is one of the many examples of such steps as it is a huge blank canvas of unknown experiences and challenges -- and it is the unknown that scares me the most.
As I said to a friend the other day who was experiencing sadness yet ashamed to let anyone know, "being sad, scared and hurt are as much a part of the human experience as love, joy, laughter, and pleasure. We should embrace them all fully as we are meant to experience them all." It is amazing that I could offer such wise words two days ago and yet be so frozen with my own fear and pain the following day. That is until my visit with Kruno.
When Kruno shared his thoughts about me, I was simply moved to tears both by the precision of his insight, and the wonderful experience of having another human being be able to articulate what I was feeling in my heart. After sitting in the comforting embrace of Kruno for a few minutes, I regained my courage to take on my fear and pain and to simply chose my next destination, some place quite with few distractions.
Thus today I decide to I am leaving Pune tomorrow, heading to Mumbai to visit with the parents of Aparajita (a new friend via an e-mail introduction from Michele) for a few days and then on to this small island called Omkareshwar which is near Indore in Madhya Pradesh. There is an Ashram there that sounds quite inviting. I hope to spend some time there, meditating, doing yoga, being still, being quiet and going deep.
I will be sure to let you know what I find.
Namaste,
Jyll
Posted by Jyllt at 10:24 AM | Comments (7)
January 23, 2004
First lesson in non-attachment
I departed my apartment on the afternoon of January 20th en route to Newark Airport. I had not slept in days, yet I was energized with excitement to begin my journey.
The trip began instantly as my flight was cancelled, my bags were lost and I was forced to gain perspective on what I need for this journey we call life.
I arrived at the Air India terminal and was met by a mob of Indian people all who were calmly gathered in a mass that they defined as a line (I could not decipher where it began or where it ended), and the subtle aroma of curry (yes curry, I guess it was emanating from their pores which was making me very hungry). After chatting with a few people I came to realize that yesterday's flight to Bombay via Paris was cancelled and thus these people were all waiting to be assigned seats on my flight. The New Yorker in me walked right past the mass/line to the desk to enquire. I was informed that my flight was being cancelled as they were going to fill my flight with passengers from yesterdayís flight. Thus I was instructed to wait until they were done booking in yesterday's passengers at which time todayís passengers would be attended to and receive further instructions. I asked where I should wait and they said "anywhere but here." I was a little frustrated with the lack of organization and the fact that I needed to wait around for hours only to return home and wait on line again tomorrow, but I was not too upset as I had no deadlines or responsibilities waiting on me in Paris. Besides I figured I could go home and catch up on that sleep I had missed out on over the last week and arrive at my friend Magda's rested.
I soon made friends with this really cool Indian couple who were en route to Bombay for a wedding. Together we found other people who were supposed to be on our flight and started a line which gave me a sense of comfort (we all know how I appreciate structure). Within two hours our line was moving and representatives were directing us on where to go based on our final destination. When asked where I was going to, I replied "Paris" as I was planning to visit my girl Magda for a few days before continuing on to Bombay. I was quickly informed to go to the front of the line as they would likely be able to get me on todayís flight since I was getting off at the first stop. Sure enough I was given my boarding pass and told to go straight to the gate. While I had already decided to accept that I was going home, I was thrilled that I would, indeed be departing NY tonight.
Once on board all was great. I got four seats all to myself where I slept from the moment I sat down. I loved be offered "chicken or vegetarian meal" rather than the typical "chicken or beef" offer of most airlines. And the vegetarian curry dinner was AWESOME -- the best airline food I have ever had!!!! It certainly curbed the curry craving I was having from the airport aroma.
Our flight arrived on time and about 6 people got off in Paris, 3 of which were booked on yesterdayís flight. Those three passengers started getting concerned when their luggage didn't show up immediately. I told them to have a little faith, it would arrive, and within a few minutes it did. I can not say the same for the rest of us. We waited for almost an hour before accepting the fate of our luggage as lost. We completed the necessary paper work and were told our bags would likely be delivered to us by tomorrow. Acting like an unattached and seasoned traveler I picked up my good attitude again and found pleasure in the fact that I did not have to lug my own bag to Magda's place and that I was traveling light enough to take a bus into the city rather than shell out all of that cash for a cab. I pursued to the Air France shuttle stop where buses to Paris are scheduled to depart every 12 minutes. After 35 minutes had gone by I asked some other patient travelers what was happening and they explained "there is a strike". I could tell by the way they said it, that this was a regular occurrence here. We all waited another 30 minutes or so before I asked a young woman and man if they wanted to split a cab, which they did. Soon enough we were on the road and within an hour I arrived at Magda's.
Paris is rainy and cold but the pulse is quite lively. I have spent most of my time here apartment hunting with Magda as she is looking to buy a place (it is a very cool way to see a city by wandering in and out of peoples homes). I have also spent a lot of time trying to get through to the airport re: my bags. When I did not hear from anyone after 30 hours or so I tried to call only to find the line busy every single time. I must have called 50 times on Wednesday and Thursday with no success in getting through.
As more time passed with no communication my positive attitude started to fade. I was starting to realize that if my bags did not arrive by Saturday I would have to replace everything I had spent the past four months carefully selecting for my trip in one day as I was not sure I would be able to find what I was looking for in India. I started creating imaginary lists in my head of what items were critical and what I could do without (the funny thing is I realized how much I packed that I really do not need). Stress was creeping in and I was not happy about it!!!!
Thus I decided to sit my but down on the floor and meditate to gain some clarity and perspective. After an hour of meditation constantly interrupted with thoughts of "don't forget to get some Cipro" or "remember to get the really good bug repellant", I came to realize everything I NEEDED, my health, my wits and my sense of adventure, I already had. Everything else was extra. I decided I would get what I could and that would be exactly what I needed to have, cest la vie.
Within the hour, and thanks to the assistance of my friend Hilah, I was able to get through to the airport to find out my bags were in Paris and they would be calling me soon to make arrangements for their delivery. As I sat here writing this message, my bags were delivered. Ahh, the magic of being unattached to help everything align.
In addition to the great lesson of keeping things in perspective that I learned from all of this, I have also decided to remove a third of the items in my bag that I do not need. This seemingly bad occurrence is a gift after all as I will be traveling lighter literally and figuratively through the rest of this journey.
Stay tuned for more stories upon my arrival in Bombay on the 27th of January.
Namaste,
Jyll
Posted by Jyllt at 06:59 PM | Comments (11)