June 21, 2004
The Sufi Says. . .
It is fascinating to have been raised atheist and with no regard for religious or spiritual forces and then suddenly realize I have developed a strong faith in the realms beyond scientific proof or my own intellectual powers (please don't tell my parents).
Back when I first arrived in India my friend Tam invited me to visit an astrologer with her. Knowing little about astrology, but always agreeing with the books I have glanced at that described characteristics and tendencies of particular zodiac signs, I was curious to see what my astrological chart would reveal.
It is impossible for me to not have some confidence in the predictions offered about my future when aspects of my past were so accurately described. He mentioned events I have endured that I have never told another living soul about. He brought up very specific relationships in my life and characterized them to a tee. He knew I lived in Africa in the mid-1990's, and pointed out that I was an artist but not one whose livelihood depended on my creative pursuits. All of this was done based on my date, time and location of birth -- nothing more.
Not sure how much merit to give to these predictions, yet certain not to disregard them (just in case), I have been having fun living my life as if I know how events are going to unfold over the next 14 months. Whenever an opportunity poses itself for me to take action to support the direction I have been prophesized, I do it, as I would be quite thrilled if it all works out according to my astrological plan.
The family I have been living with in Kashmir puts enormous stock in the predictions offered by their Sufi (Muslim guru), and during one of his recent visits encouraged me to ask him about my future. Wanting to see if his visions confirmed or contradicted those of the astrologer, I posed a few questions to him. Despite the fact that the sources used to read ones future are completely different, his visions not only concurred with that of my astrological chart but offered some specifics that I had not known before. Actually these extra details have raised the stakes as they have put the course of events on a "real time" table.
The predictions seem to make perfect sense considering the direction that my life is heading in, and the future it describes is very much aligned with the desires of my heart. In short, I can see myself living this future. Yet how I get from here to there, especially in the specified timetable, is beyond the scope of my imagination. So much so that all I can do is allow life to take its course.
On one side it is very comforting to know how things are going to work out over the next year +, as I do not have to expend energy pursuing paths that will mislead me. At the same time it is bizarre to take the wonder out of ones future. It is particularly challenging for a strategic planner like me to already know the certain outcomes of my 14-month plan, especially when I have no concept of the actual course to get there. Nonetheless, my brain can not help but start to envision the reality and begin planning for its arrival. All of these perspectives are buzzing around my head while a small shadow of a doubt lingers in order to ensure I am not disappointed if it does not materialize. Once again, I find myself in strange and unfamiliar waters.
If these predictions are true, I can not help but question if it is unnatural to know them ahead of time. It seems one could put forth efforts to derail their future if it is one they are not looking forward to, or in my scenario, one could get fixated on the future so much so that they could lose their ability to allow the course to occur naturally. Perhaps knowing ones future is such an inherent part of life in places like India, that comprehending how things will turn out is the natural order. But for me it feels like I know about my own surprise party which certainly changes the nature of the party. Although, if I take this metaphor a bit further, I realize that knowing only removes the element of surprise. Actually, ensuring the guest of honor is in knowledge of the plan does make it easier to facilitate the event, and a party is still a party.
With that in mind and without knowledge of the protocol for sharing one's predicted future with others, I am going to keep the details to myself, just to be safe. Besides, my plans may involve one of you and I do not want to take away your element of surprise as well. When it is all said and done we can confer with the family I have been staying with to confirm the accuracy of the predictions. I will let you all know when to yell surprise!!!
Posted by Jyllt at 05:12 AM | Comments (2)
April 29, 2004
Found my path
On morning five of a ten day course on Buddhism, we were guided in a meditation on love. After quieting our minds by focusing on our breath, we were asked to think about all of the people who have contributed to the happiness we have experienced in this lifetime.
First my thoughts were directed to the commitment my mother has made to my happiness and well being from before I was even born - enduring pain while I was in her womb so that I did not have to experience any discomfort; offering unconditional protection from harm, nurturing, nourishment, encouragement, and support; a lifetime of personal sacrifice in order to ensure that I experienced as little suffering as possible and endless amounts of joy.
Next I was instructed to reflect on the countless contributions that my father, grandparents, siblings, and other family members have made to my joyous life. From there my thoughts moved to the kindness of friends, teachers, doctors, colleagues, and neighbors as well as that of strangers. Finally I became present to the contributions that many people who could be considered as enemies have made by bringing me the experience of compassion through the very human expressions of suffering we both have expressed.
As I sat in silent introspection, I was profoundly moved by all of these people. As my thoughts transitioned from one individual to the next I was overwhelmed by the sea of faces that came to mind. My heart filled with joy as I envisioned each and every one of you as well as countless others I have never even considered as contributors to my life.
After cultivating awareness of the profound amounts of kindness and generosity in the world, I was asked to consider expressing the same level of unconditional affection and responsibility for all people and animals as my mother showed for me. I envisioned all people showing that same sense of concern and care to all fellow living beings. The image of the world that evolved was one of harmony, peace, joy, ease and comfort. All living beings were free of pain, distress, anxiety and fear. The world I imagined was the one we all hope to live in.
Throughout the course we were guided in similar meditations, cultivating universal compassion, generating a sense of equanimity for all sentient beings, literally taking the pain and suffering of others into our own hearts in order to bring joy and happiness to the rest of humanity. We also gained a profound understanding about the workings of the mind, humankind, and each of our individual roles in contributing to the suffering and happiness of all living beings.
Over the last several years I have been in search of something more fulfilling than the life I have been living. I have attempted to find this joy in a career of social service, a healthy body and lifestyle, stress reduction, financial success, new experiences, a comforting home, dear friends, wise mentors, positive thinking, recognition for my accomplishments and contributions. . . While each of these things gave me a sense of joy, the pleasure derived always seemed to fade with time leaving me in search of happiness once again.
A few years ago, my search brought me to the teachings of Buddhism, which I have been practicing with an increasing commitment ever since. It was this interest in Buddhism that sparked my desire to travel to Nepal and India, the birthplace of the teachings of Shakyamuni Buddha, in order to deepen and broaden my understanding of the dharma (the teachings of Buddhism).
My various life experiences have helped me to realize that there is no permanent happiness to be found in the selfish satisfaction of my material, physical and emotional desires. Through this course I have discovered that committing myself to the provision of unlimited and unconditional love and compassion for all of humanity is the one joy that does not fade with time. Actually, as my ability to generate this type of generosity and responsibility for the world increases, so does my experience of happiness, so does that of those around me.
As such, I finally took my official vows of refuge in the teachings and guidance of Buddhism.
While "becoming a Buddhist" may seam dramatic, it was not for me as I have been living by the guiding principles of not killing, stealing, lying, and consuming intoxicants for some time now and already engage in a daily practice of meditation. It also does not mean I am giving up all of my material possessions or becoming a nun who will live out my days bald and in a monastery.
These vows represent a life commitment to the cultivation of increased consciousness and responsibility for how my thoughts, actions and words affect others. I have made these promises as I know that this is the path that will offer me the greatest sense of true happiness and afford me the best opportunity for delivering joy and peace to those around me.
When I sit in silent reflection every day, and recommit myself to this virtuous life, despite the many times I have and will fall short of treating everything and everyone with loving kindness, I find compassion for my own humanity as well as those around me. At that very moment, my heart stops racing, my breath slows to an easy rhythm, I am happy, I am at peace.
Posted by Jyllt at 04:21 PM | Comments (0)
January 31, 2004
Life has given me exactly what I needed
It is a moving experience when someone you barely know can tell you something profound about yourself that you have spent most of your life discovering.
My plane touched down in Mumbai (formerly Bombay) on Tuesday morning 1/26 at 12:20am (yes a.m.). After collecting my bags and making my way through customs I exited the gate and was welcomed by a sign that read my name in bold hand-printed letters. The smiling man holding the sign was Leo, the driver who was going to "take me safely to Pune" - which he did. I have been in Pune ever since, specifically Koregoan Park, near the Osho Ashram, a magnet for many international travelers.
This place has been a strange and challenging delight as it effortlessly embodies the contrasting diversity of India (and really the world): beauty and suffering, rich and poor, spirituality and capitalism, traditional and modern, East and West. With so much stimuli for all of the sense, I have been a little nutty here as I keep trying to understand it all. I have finally come to realize, thanks to the help of some of the wonderful people I have met that these things, as so many others I am to encounter in the coming months, can simply be explained with, "This is India" (Kev, that is for you!!!).
I was very anxious to jump into everything here: seeing sites, participating in meditative courses, reading books written by spiritual gurus, wearing the beautiful clothing and jewelry, taking photographs, making new friends, figuring out where I am going to next. . . that I found myself physically and emotionally strained by my second day.
Not feeling I could do much of anything I resolved to spend the next several days relaxing and allowing myself to adjust to my new environment (not just India but my life as a traveler). As is always the case, once I surrendered to the hand that life had dealt me, this seemingly sad space became one of magic and delight.
One by one, angels and gifts started dropping right in front of me, starting with Sandrine from France who took on the role of mother/care taker/sister/and devoted friend during my first few days. Next I met Tarika, a woman from Israel who has allowed me to live in her room (a beautiful, inviting and peaceful place) for the last week while she went to the beaches of Goa. I then had the pleasure of meeting David from San Francisco, who cracked open my shell of seeming like I had it all together, which has made me open and available to the generosity of so many people. Then I hooked up with Seble of Eritrea and Ameen from India, my two playmates who have made me a part of their lives as if we have been friends forever. Next there was Paulo from Italy, who touched my heart with his warm hands brilliant eyes and bright smile, all without being able to speak English. Kevin from Ohio (a seemingly old friend as we have been e-mailing for several weeks now thanks to an introduction from Bobbi), came all the way to Pune to welcome me to India in person, and has inspired me with stories of his adventures here and in Nepal. There are so many others to mention including Andrea, Yvette, Shashi, Mirjam, Mahesh, Dr. Girish, Luk, Kathleen, Fabrizio. . . that I could spend the rest of my voyage siting here writing about them, but I am sure they all know who they are even without the mention of their name.
One last angel that warrants mention is this very gentle, quite and deep Croatian man named Kruno who has been deeply caressing my soul over the last several days. I met Kruno earlier this week when he offered me a free massage as he is studying rebalancing massage, an incredibly penetrating type of therapy that involves deep breathing and removal of the emotional toxins and tension we hold in various parts of our body, and needs to practice. Every day I visit with Kruno for a massage -- these sessions have been incredibly profound experiences for me.
Yesterday, I was wandering around Koregoan Park in a sort of sad daze, trying to figure out where to go to from here. I feel I have regained my strength to take the next step of my journey and am anxious to experience a part of India that is not swarming with western tourists. Yet I have been tortured over the last several days trying to decide where to go. Shall I go to the beaches in Goa, visit the serenity of Hampi, do a 10-day Vipasana meditation retreat, engage in a program at the Spiritual University in Mt. Abu, visit the parents of a new friend in Mumbai where I have been promised to be spoiled rotten? I know it is ridiculous to have these kind of choices be like torture but there is more behind the suffering than just choosing a destination.
As much as I hate to admit it I am scared of the journey ahead. This is partly due to the fact that I do not have a clue about how to chart a course that is not about achieving a goal. It is very different and unfamiliar for me to make choices based on my heart and instinct rather than a strategic plan. I am also a bit intimidated by the transportation systems here, primarily because I am yet to use it. More importantly I am scared of the unfamiliarity of engaging in the kind of deep introspective emotional and spiritual work that this voyage has in store.
Just before my massage session with Kruno yesterday, he said, "I have noticed something about you that I would like to share. . . you are someone who has many talents and interests and thus can make wonderful things happen in the world. . . but you know, when you are so busy doing so many things you never allow yourself to experience yourself deeply. . . people like you often live this way as you are so afraid of experiencing pain and fear. . . I can not help you decide where to go next from Pune as you need to make that decision yourself, but I will advise you to trust your instincts and go some place where you can be still, be quiet and go deep. . . There is no right place for this as what you are looking for you will find in you."
Ever since I hurt my back a few years back I have been engaged in an introspective process to uncover the sources of suffering in my life. It has been a long, challenging and rewarding course that is far from over. However, during this time I have come to realize how hard I have worked to avoid pain and fear. With this insight I have taken many steps to confront many sources of pain and fear in my relationships with family, friends, lovers, and life choices. This trip is one of the many examples of such steps as it is a huge blank canvas of unknown experiences and challenges -- and it is the unknown that scares me the most.
As I said to a friend the other day who was experiencing sadness yet ashamed to let anyone know, "being sad, scared and hurt are as much a part of the human experience as love, joy, laughter, and pleasure. We should embrace them all fully as we are meant to experience them all." It is amazing that I could offer such wise words two days ago and yet be so frozen with my own fear and pain the following day. That is until my visit with Kruno.
When Kruno shared his thoughts about me, I was simply moved to tears both by the precision of his insight, and the wonderful experience of having another human being be able to articulate what I was feeling in my heart. After sitting in the comforting embrace of Kruno for a few minutes, I regained my courage to take on my fear and pain and to simply chose my next destination, some place quite with few distractions.
Thus today I decide to I am leaving Pune tomorrow, heading to Mumbai to visit with the parents of Aparajita (a new friend via an e-mail introduction from Michele) for a few days and then on to this small island called Omkareshwar which is near Indore in Madhya Pradesh. There is an Ashram there that sounds quite inviting. I hope to spend some time there, meditating, doing yoga, being still, being quiet and going deep.
I will be sure to let you know what I find.
Namaste,
Jyll
Posted by Jyllt at 10:24 AM | Comments (7)