« On Top of the World | Main | The Sufi Says. . . »
June 08, 2004
The Monsoon Has Arrived
One minute everything is bright, clear, beautiful and warm. And then, with almost no warning the peaceful hill station of Bagsu (a quiet village just 10 km north of Dharamsala, where I took up residence for three weeks) is engulfed in strong gusts of wind, thick gray clouds, lightning, thunder, dampness, and cold. If I am lucky I have the time to seek shelter or put on proper clothes and gear before the sky opens, pelting the earth forcefully with a torrential downpour of rain and gumball sized hailstones. Often I am caught unprepared and forced to endure the storm unprotected, leaving me cold and wet to the bone.
The approach of the monsoon is an exciting change from the monotony of bright sunshine and crystal clear blue skies that I see everyday here. At the same time the rapid, forceful and unpredictable approach of these storms also leave me feeling vulnerable, unsettled and scared.
* * * * *
These words describe the weather in Bagsu as well as my emotional and physical state since arrival here on May 6th. During my stay, I have engaged in a multitude of activities to purify my body and open my energy channels including daily private kundalini yoga instructions from an authentic Swami and yoga master; yogic cleanings of my internal body cavities; an ayurvedic diet course; and repeated massages and reflexology treatments. As a result of all of these processes my body and emotions are both releasing toxins. My face has been breaking out. My body has experienced extreme fatigue and lethargy as well as gasteral and respiratory sicknesses. I have lost my voice repeatedly, have been on the verge of tears at the slightest confrontation. My patient and stable mind finds itself being replaced by my short temper of old.
For the first time during this trip I have longed for the comforts of home. I find myself wishing for the familiar embrace of my last lover, wanting to hear the overprotective concern for my well being expressed by my parents, needing to hear the reassuring voice of friends, and questioning my physical and emotional resolve to endure this trip to its end. My experience of myself at this moment is one of being in a skin that is not my own. I question whether I have what it takes to live the life of honesty, virtue, clarity and transparency that I have committed myself to. At the same time, I have come too far to simply return to my old persona and way of life.
The hardest part of feeling this way while traveling alone, is that I have no one and no where to turn for comfort and understanding. While I have made many beautiful and kind friends along the way, none of these individuals know the distance or road I have traveled, nor do they have the capacity to understand it as they are all on their own journey and must focus on navigating their own course. While phone calls and e-mails from home brighten my day, these words are like postcards from a distant land, beautiful and interesting but not quite the same as being there in person.
For the first time in my life I have lost the desire to be trooper, always bearing my own burden with no need for the attention, affection and assistance of others. At this point in my life I simply long to be loved unconditionally. Unfortunately the sources of love that I generally count on, my friends and family, are simply not here. Thus, I am naked, alone, and exposed and it seems no one near by is concerned about my vulnerability except me.
My state of being, combined with the many physical temptations and temporary escapes from reality offered here in Bagsu, have weakened my will to resist a diverted path from the one I am on. I have been tempted by the beautiful smile of a charming man, offers of hash, and overly sweet foods, and shamefully admit indulging these desires -- anything to make me feel good, even if just for a fleeting moment or two. While these short periods of pleasure were a welcomed escape from my reality, the resulting experiences were ones of regret and disappointment and certainty that I was moving further from the direction in which I really want and need to go.
* * * * *
When I sit quietly and just observe the irrational movement of the storm and witness how fresh, calm and nourished the earth is after the clouds have moved beyond the valley, I am learning to love the monsoons and accept them as an important contribution towards the course of nature. However, these insightful moments are few and far between as, once again, my habitual inclination is to do something, go somewhere, or seek protection in order to avoid the discomfort and unfamiliarity of my circumstances and surroundings. But slowly, slowly, the wisdom and peace of acceptance emerges. I look forward to seeing the resulting lush that blossom in the months to come.
Posted by Jyllt at June 8, 2004 12:03 PM
Comments
Oh, Jyll. Your honesty is marvelous. Life surprises us all with monsoons of sadness, loneliness, the longing to escape the rain, the pain, and the emptiness. And it's always a little disheartening to realize that the escape routes often leave us sadder than we were before. I have found that my relationship with God fortifies me at just those moments. That although my personal faith is inexplicable to others because it is such a solitary journey, what becomes as real to me as the hands with which I type is this: I am not on life's road alone. That as often as I fall, He picks me up. That as often as I indulge, He forgives and restores and renews me. My prayer is that this trip will bring you to the place of understanding who you are, what you live for, what matters most in your life, and how you will make your way through, not only these coming months in Asia, but all the months and years to come wherever you find yourself. Yes, the lush green grasses will bloom on the hills you have come to love - and also on the heart and soul you are coming to know. And when the storms come again, you will have greater strength with which to face each one. When you can't be strong, be weak. When you are afraid, feel the fear. Then feel and meditate and pray your way into the next power surge and the next fearless moment. They will come as surely as the monsoons. Peace is every step.
I do love you, Gail
Posted by: Gail at June 8, 2004 02:49 PM
Dearest Jyll,
I was truly touched and saddened by your latest journal entry. I don't have the gift of words to adequately express how much it hurt to not be able to comfort and help you in your darkest moments. Everyone has been in that place at least once and like you, have taken the easy diversions to guilty pleasures. That's being human. But the human resolve and being in touch with your spiritual being is what will bring you through this and make you a much stronger person. I know the happy, bright and vibrant Jyll will shine again, just like those disgustingly beautiful clear blue sky days you wake up to everyone morning!
Love you madly...
Schawannah
Posted by: schawannah at June 8, 2004 03:13 PM
yo,sounds like the shit and the fan have met as aloneness becomes very present at the moment .jyll,
there aint much i could say except i feel you baby i feel you , your struggles are our struggles like homeboy said "KEEP HOPE ALIVE"
love ya like breakfast,
r0naLd
Posted by: ronald at June 9, 2004 01:53 AM
Hi, Jyll
I am standing pat in Calcutta where the Monsoon has remained at Bay. I was heading for Tibet via Sikkim when I met a beautiful family whose lives have been filled with death, hardship, pain. We have spent the past two weeks laughing, eating well, sleeping little, and discussing lifes foibles. I'm falling in love with Jackie...she has 2 beautiful children and has lost her husband and another child.
I did not even consider meeting a woman like this in this place and in this time...you just can't know what is coming in life's next moment.
I read your last post with a slight smirk on my lips and a twinkle in my eye for as your dear friends suggest, we have been there before. Instead of sorrow or pity, I feel joy for you. Just as the butterfly struggles to emerge from it's cacoon, you too are emerging. Soon you will be free.
love, kev
Posted by: omshantikev at June 9, 2004 06:48 AM
Thanks for sharing Jyll. I have been thinking about you a lot recently. Maybe I was sensing the intensity in which you were experiencing life. Maybe I was missing you. Either way, I am proud of you and look forward to these newsbreaks. Be kind to yourself. You are doing everything just right. I hope to see you before I leave. I bought my ticket to St. Thomas already. I will be moving Oct.1. I hope to speak to your little face soon.
Love Shawn
Posted by: Shawn at June 9, 2004 06:49 PM
I am moved to tears my the depths of your understanding and compassion for me, for my humanity whic is that of all of us.
Know I can be strong, weak, scared, inspired, loved and alone all at the same time and I am all of these things, especially loved by all of you right now.
sweet kisses (or as ron would say "love you like lunch"),
Jyll
Posted by: jyll taylor at June 10, 2004 10:43 AM